Big family comedown

I thought divulging to ‘em how I really feel would make them understand. I thought it’d set the issues straight, bridge the gap and resolve any grudges that we have. But I was wrong. Guess, they’ll never get the picture, never. No matter how hard I explain they’ll never see the truth because they refuse to look at their own wrongs and take the time to figure out the root and cause of the problem. Ab initio they’ve had witnessed how different I was. That was no secret. I wasn’t just the typical kid I believe. I didn’t like the fact that they just think that what I’ve been through was but normal. They don’t have any idea how hard it was for me to interact with other people because I was scared I’ll be judged.  No single person fathom how I really feel and the reason why I act like this. They just ignore me.

After two decades of existent I’ve had believed that my family knows me, that they understand; that they know where my aggressions are coming from. But unsurprisingly I am right, neither one of them understand. It’s very upsetting to realize that what they know about me are just based on what they perceived by their senses. The things that I demanded from them were taken against me. I’m not just the “what you see is what you get” type of person. I’m not transparent enough to those I know who doesn’t care. I’ve done everything to satisfy ‘em, to make ‘em proud, to give honor to our name but they just couldn’t get it. I don’t want thank you’s,  I don’t  want rewards I just want their sincere and genuine goodness towards me. I am sick and tired of constantly proving myself worthy of their love, care and respect.

I want ‘em to go beyond their understanding and find out what’s really wrong. I just couldn’t hold back the pain and angst any longer. A lot of things had been said and done. I’m already hurt. They could no longer take back the mean and offensive things they’ve told me. Even so, I didn’t mean to hurt ‘em especially my mom and my father but I still meant what I’ve said.

I hate it when they claim that they know me when in fact they don’t. They don’t know what I’ve gone through right at that moment when I slam the door of my room and sung all night long.

Maybe there’s no other person to blame but me. I wasn’t open to anyone. I refused to talk to people. The thing is I just can’t open my mouth and let one person know what’s eating me if I can’t feel even a slight strand of genuine care. I want people to understand where I’m coming from. Why I only have a handful yet genuine set of friends? Perhaps, I shouldn’t have expected too much ‘cause I’ll be the one hurting in the end.

My father thinks I’m being disrespectful. Is telling how you feel and revealing that there is something wrong with the way he rule the house against the moral law? I cannot just let things pass every time they’ll say something out of line ‘cause it tears me deep down inside. they think I’m facetious.  These things aren’t just petty to me. They’re a big deal to me.

I’ve been a pain in their ass and a thorn in their flesh. But they don’t know that I’ve tried my best to make ‘em content and proud. Don’t they know that I’ve had a hard time meeting new people because they might say something harsh? Why I’m shy around strangers, people who aren’t my friends. Yes, I’m vulnerably sensitive to things that any member of my keith and kins might say because I value ‘em. And perhaps, I’ll suck this thought in my head that I’ll never be good at something because that’s what they’d always made me feel. I’m stupid and lazy. I’m useless so I must die.

I wanted to say sorry but not until they get the whole point. 

Reinforced

• I don’t really get along well with strangers on first meetings, it usually takes time. But once I’ve had warmed up to you I can be quite outgoing as well.
• I spend most of my time alone – introspecting. Yeah, I’m pretty much of a loner but I’m not lonesome. I just really love staying in a serenely peaceful place, away from the crowd and just have a “quality time” with my inner ego. To meditate and to reinforce my Moral fibre; to conduct a profound examination of everything that is going on in my life; and just find an escape from the real world.
• I usually do things on my own. Hmm, I don’t know. Perhaps, I am not comfortable working with other people. I just really hate it when they’ll take all the credit for your ideas and works. Hate it. It really gets on my nerves. Even so, I don’t hold grudges against people. Let bygones be bygones.
• Getting my skin tanned darkly, wounded and bruised or worse breaking a bone due to engaging in sports or in anything adventurous doesn’t worry me at all. Primarily, because I grew up with siblings who have more than one string to their bows. I can be extremely competitive when it comes to sports. I’d give every sport a try – you name it I’d play it. Physical strength is zilch if you don’t have the burning passion and desire for the thing that you’re doing.
• I love watching, listening and reading movies, articles and stories that are themed in whodunit anonymity, the eerie and everything that science cannot even give a hypothetical explanation. I can be a forensic detective/investigator even just for awhile. It stimulates my human brain to fathom and to generate variety of scenes in my head. Try to get to the bottom of the crime and come up with a CIA-ish conclusion.
• Roaches, creepy crawly things and ghosts scare the heck out of me.
• I am dependent on my family, financially. Haha, but seriously my family isn’t the picture perfect type of family. We used to attend church mass every Sunday and eat meals together but it rarely happens now. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t trade my family for anything that glitters. They are everything that I have. Fortune will never tantamount the elation and happiness that I get when I’m with ‘em.
• I’ve got shallow tears and I can be overly emotional. I cry like a baby. But I don’t cry for superficial and indefinite reasons. You’d be surprisingly shocked why I’m crying.
• I can be irascible at times but as much as possible I’d try to keep my cool and mind my P's and Q's. Had one serious feud back in high school which I am totally apologetic for doing. It was such a shame. I know for sure that it’s never been forgotten but I just hope and pray that they’ve had already forgiven me. But on the contrary, I am a pacifist, believe it or not. I never did intend to hurt anyone and that is the truth.
• I (try to) treat every single person with respect not because I am tasked to do it or something but because that’s what I’m ordained to do. Hard for we are not all completely alike but we must treat each and every single individual equally fair and rightly. Our Ultimate Creator didn’t even condemn us when He was nailed to the cross. So, what right do we have to condemn our brethren? We do not hate our brethren but the devil that caused him to sin.
• The western culture has influenced me in a major way. Yes, but just the way I see things. Though, I advocate liberty in thought I still adhere to the environment I’m in.
• I am not a sinless person or a flawless individual. I curse and swear because I thought ‘twas cool. I’ve had lied to cover up for someone’s mess and to protect their ego even if it was against my will. And was so proud to admit of my wrongs. I’ve had held back my tongue when I should’ve spoken the truth. I am an imperfect individual but for His glory I’ll “¹³Keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking deceit. ¹⁴Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.-(Psalm 34:13-14)” Be the person He ordained me to be.
• Lastly, I may seem shy, unenthusiastic, snobbish and disinterested at first glance. But I am more than meets the eye so”Judge not, that you be not judged.”-(Matthew 7:1)

Till we meet again

Nothing much had changed. I honestly believe that we might still have a slight strand of chance. Yes, I still have a BIG HOPE on us. I have faith in our rarely kind of love. Like what I used to say what we have is something rare but real. In you I’ve found and I’ve felt the truest form of love. My world was on the spur of the moment filled with, wherever I look at, enormously happy and good things.  I won’t bid you goodbye ‘cause I know under His will our paths will cross again. It may take months, years or decades but hey, I’ll stand through the test of time. Everything may change over the time -- but my undying and unconditional love will remain unchanged. I’ll just keep on loving you, no matter what. I’ll cling to hope. I won’t let go unless you tell me to. However, I won’t coerce to make things happen but rather just let things happen on its own; this will be a bitter pill to swallow but I will take the strength and courage to whole-heartedly accept whatever fate He has installed for us. Us or not I’d continuously be a lover of your soul, be it in Heaven or here on earth.

New CHANGE.New HOPE.

New set of leaders were officially inaugurated last June 30, 2010. Tons of people have had witnessed the momentous event. They were tuned in to their television sets and glued to their seats. New set of promises were again laid down in the table. Millions of Filipinos are expectant of the change that this new administration has to proffer. I myself sincerely and utterly believe that our new President together with the Vice President will not fail us.  

I hope for the betterment of this country. May the “NOYBI” administration oust the greedily corrupt officials. May we now see the sun shine after the uberly clouded sky. But as citizens of this country we shouldn’t just rely on the promises of our newly elected leaders. We shouldn’t be just bunch of idle people who are waiting to be fed. I hate to say this but most people just don’t get it. Please, please get your ass up and start to make a living. The CHANGE in this nation won’t make a CHANGE if we don’t start helping ourselves and this nation CHANGE.

Whatever may happen let’s just bestow our utmost FAITH and TRUST to ‘em. The success of this new administration will not entirely rely on the officials but to its constituents as well. We are part of this new CHANGE.  Let’s make it happen.

Imperfectly healthy

Life is indeed full of surprises you’ll never know what’s gonna happen the next day. The other day you were playing a vigorously tiring game and the next thing you knew you’re laying on a hospital bed. Life can get a lil ironic. All your life you get used to eating and doing the things you extremely love and one day some man dressed in a white long coat with a stethoscope hanging ‘round his neck gonna break the bad news that you’ll no longer allowed to eat this and that. C’mon, we are all gonna die why’d you forbid me to do the things that’ll make me happy? You are supposed to make me feel better not bitter. This kinda frustrating to know that you only have few days, months or years to live and you aren’t even allowed to do your “Wish List.” I feel bad that despite the advent rise of technology it still couldn’t save the lives of those who are sick.



I am lucky not to have a severe illness. I am gratefully thankful that He gave me another chance to live life in spite of wishing myself to die. It’s pathetic I know. I felt like I’ve done my part. I was left with nothing. I am excessively tired of doing things on repeat. I couldn’t take how some people mistreat me with their false smiles and insincere concerns. I just couldn’t stand people being phony ‘round me; when some people make you feel significantly important only to find out that they don’t even care about you. These things make me feel dead even when I’m heartbeatingly alive. But having the thought of those people who are striving for their lives makes me feel extravagantly special maybe not to those whom I thought I am but to the One who showers love to all mankind.

(a day after i was discharged from the hospital.)

The Only Exception

No one really knows what lies ahead in someone’s life. Fortune tellers can’t predict what’s in our future only one man can. He saved the entire world from damnation. He carefully plotted yer life story.  Every single event in our lives took place under His will. It may be against our own will but He knows what’s best for us. We may suffer at first but I think that is the whole point in living and discovering life it’s about being able to suffer for Him regardless of the pain and sacrifices one might undergo. Life really is about living it the way He did – the way Jesus did. I firmly believe that He does not make anyone suffer for no definite purpose. Things could work in disguise. Life indeed moves in mysterious ways. He is such a great Creator and Savior. And life without His Divine Presence is meaningless.
He is the sole source of my strength and the sole reason for my existence.

Nature's Glory

certainly uncertain

I am not a poet

But I I’ve been writing poems

before I even met you.

I am not patient

But I’ve proven that

It is really a virtue.

I am not a genius

But I fathom and analyze things

Like one.

I am not that brave like

A hero but I will

unreluctantly risk my life

just to save you.

 

waiting in vain

It’s the 21st day of April and here I am waiting in vain. I know I shouldn’t now on the ground our time has come to an end. Maybe this is a sign that tells us that we aren’t really meant for each other. You are fated to love someone else. Someone who is perfectly designed for you. But despite that painful reality I know in myself I’ll never love another the way I loved you. I don’t want to think that I’m just fuelling up myself with false hope and belief ‘cause this is just really hard for me.

i wonder

i just don't know what do.
my head is full of unanswered queries...
and wonderin'...
if you still care;
if you still feel the same way;
and if you missing me like am missing you.

sorry i just can't help myself but think of you.
so, are you still there?
are we still in the same boat?
or am i all alone in this thing?

you will always be my boo

Probably we had the right love at the wrong time but maybe, just maybe, we are meant to be together...someday.

i know this is worth the wait.
i hope you'll understand why i've set you free;
why you hardly see me now unlike before.

it's not that i no longer care or love you, heaven knows i still do.
no matter how hard i deny it you know that i still do.
i am missing you so bad...every day, every minute, every second.
i just wish every time we'll meet time will seize.

Auspicious Beginnings

wrote this 2 years ago, during my sophomore year. given to us as an assignment in our Philippine Literature subject.

The annals of Tacloban I could not distinctly expound,
Chronicles says it had fought for it grounds.
Alluded its name to the inhabitants of the place;
Reminiscing its glorious and melancholic heritage face,
went through some drastic change over a decade or two;
Reason of colonization gives me no clue.

Kankabatok was its name, is true;
Transmuted to Tacloban was rejoicing too;
Waray was its official dialect,
become the core of commerce we didn't quite expect.

Captured and suffered under the Japanese invasion;
People of all ages were tortured and slaughtered.
Everyone was just hopeless and dismayed.
This was indeed the darkest and cruelest event in the annals of the place.

Formed alliances that brought the city's victory,
the noted promise "I shall return" that kept the people hoping,
Japanese were diminished because Americans and Leyteños were fighting.
A liberation that was more than a grueling and tremulous story.

Freed by the Americans which was led by the valiant General Douglas MacArthur.
This was a victory and liberation worth to savor.
Despite the lugubrious painful deaths,
we've learnt to conquer the depths;
Now we're stalwart and wise we'll never be invaded.

Celebrating and reminiscing the annals through feasts,
our worries and uncertainties are ceased.
Landmarks and feasts that is so vital and inviting,
that makes Tacloban fascinating.

i still love you

this was originally posted on my facebook account. had it removed because i kind of had the feeling that i was tremendously unappreciated by the person i deeply cared. but this doesn't mean my love has subsided, it honestly just got deeper and uhm, confusing.

(Thursday, August 20, 2009 at 10:53pm )
no words, no music, no sign can give voice to this feeling. i am silenced by your presence. i am weak at just the thought of you. all my efforts to express the depth, the force, the power of these emotions, they fail in the face of you. i can't begin to understand what pulls me so powerfully in your direction. it defies any logic or learning. there is between us some kind of thread--delicate but strong. i feel as if nothing could break this thing. i get the highest feeling whenever you stare at me. i wish i could tell you what i feel. i can't stand a day without seeing you. i don't know where this thing will take me and i don't know how long will i keep this from you either coz i can no longer stop and deny the fact that i have fallen for you. this is making me dumb and dumber each day and it cuts like a knife not being able to talk to you. I tried to avoid and ignore you for my own emotional and mental sake but it's so hard. i dunno, maybe i just couldn't care less about you. i wanna tell you everything. there's nowhere i'd rather be than beside you, waiting for the moment your eyes open and give light to my day. no world i'd rather inhabit than the one we make together...

last resort

it's the only way to forget you...
cutting everything that reminds me of you.

it's goin' to be really hard but i have to.
it's my last resort to save myself from total despair.
i've been really really really confused and frustrated.
i cant' think straight. always absent-minded.
you have dominated my mind
i do not know why things between us didn't work out.
guess, love alone isn't really enough. there were too many walls.
i've had conquered the impossible...unarmed, no weapons or gears
to protect myself from pain or bullets.
but you know what, i do not care getting myself wounded...
the fact that you love me and i love you makes me
null. i'll stand firm but how far? i dunno...
i used to be so certain about this but you didn't show me the actions i
needed to see, the words i longed to hear. you were just so passive. really passive.
i've had spent the entire year having this false hope about us.
dreaming, wishing and hoping that one day God will grant the chance for us to talk
but it didn't happen. i must have really been blinded to not see things clearly; that you weren't really the one for me. i should've seen and known it in the first place. that things like this don't last for long but i know it's real 'cause it cuts like a knife and i see it through your eyes -- the love that i can't contain and i don't deserve...i can no longer forsee my future without you in it. i'm sorry if i've had failed you and if i've had caused you pain. i really am sorry.

Unfathomable

I can’t fathom why it didn’t work out. I thought the feelings we used to have was so unbreakably strong. Strong that it’ll all be easy for us to yoke. But it does now seem it’s starting to weaken. Is it just a test on how long I’ll go for you? ‘cause you don’t need to I’ll go all the way for you.

Our differences are starting to arise. The spark is beginning to fade. Things are getting way absurd. But I am holding my faith to this. No matter how hurt I’ll get. I won’t give up not until you tell me to. I will stand firm. I am not going to back down no matter how tired and excessively worn out I am.